THURSDAY 3RD JULY 2025
Sometimes I leave a tab open with my accounts logged in. Constantly refreshing. Just to see if anybody will message me or interact with me. Usually it's a no. Instead of that, I went out for a walk in a storm. Not very much of a storm but still as English as you will get. I had a lot of time to think. Do people really like me? I know a lot of people, I consider a lot of them as friends. Honestly though, none of them like me. They don't ask me out. They don't plan things. They don't interact with me. They don't invite me to things. And don't say "well they never had my number" They always did. They always had and always will. I'm sick and tired of trying and trying and trying for no reason. I feel like a ghost in my own skin. I have no-one to really call on. I'm depressed. It's not obvious. I use every bit of energy I have to keeping up a laughing persona for everybody but I can't deal with it. It's painful. I stand every single day of every single year keeping up this mask of confidence and happiness to everyone I see. I am not confident or happy. But with each day I put on this persona. Even when I open up to someone I truly trust, They betray me. I feel trapped. I feel alone. I feel like I have no-one. No matter how many people 'care' about me, they never do. They think they do but they don't. But when I finally get time to myself, I spend it dreading another day alive. I dread a gift given to me. I dread having to spend time with anyone because with people I feel trapped. I feel isolated. With people, I don't feel I belong. Like a freak. Like a monster in human skin. Even when left alone, I don't feel like I truly want to be alone. I want somebody. I want a partner, A listener. One who doesn't judge. Yet even with them I would feel misunderstood. Like I can't live up to the expectations put on me. And keeping up confidence every day drains me. Each breath drains me. I yearn to die in my sleep or peacefully pass but I can't. I'm afraid of death. I feel it will never change. I rant online for hours to anyone that will listen. Anyone that makes me feel that life is worth living. That is what I am doing here. Grasping into the unknown hoping for someone to listen or each day to pass faster than the last. Any reaction or laugh I have is fake. I simply don't have the energy to form a genuine opinion anymore. It's easier to fake it all. Every time I have showed true emotion I was shot down. It hurts to put up my true self because no-body cares. I put energy into being myself and by the end of the day, I have none left. Putting up a fake personality has led to it being my personality. People know no other. I just hate myself. I never tell anyone. And I'm not one to hurt myself. I'm drained enough from today. I have to put up another personality for the others and watch them ignore it. I don't know. Im just ranting, sorry for anyone who read this.
SUNDAY 6TH JULY 2025
Why the fuck do I exist. I haven't cried in 6 whole fucking months. I simply don't have the energy to do so. I was thinking today, am I wanted? I mean I always talk to people and I have some that I consider "friends". But I am really alone. I didn't speak to a single person today, I know others have spoken to 20 or even 30 different people. But why not me. I know I'm not perfect but at least I used to have someone. But even they have turned their back on me. Why? All I do is try! When I don't it is just as bad. I'm a persistant fucker. I just don't know when to give up. No matter how fucking much I want to. It's a curse. People always say how they need to be more persistant or less assertive. Trust me. No you don't. I never do anything to get anyone. If I get close enough to people to talk I always fuck it up. If I'm with another person it is worse. I'm too quiet and shy to put myself into that conversation. I have been working on that lately. It only works sometimes when I have enough sleep to give a fuck. But I never sleep because I can never get into that headspace. And the fucking NHS or GP won't give me a prescription to help me sleep. It has been a problem for the better part of 10 years. They know that. They have records from when I was as young as 8 (the earliest I brought it up) saying that I will lay awake in the dark, with my eyes closed struggling to sleep and get into that headspace. IT PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF HOW IGNORANT THEY ARE!!!!!!!!!!